Every month I receive a copy of Therapy Today, the magazine of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) as part of my membership. One of my favourite sections is the Dilemmas page, where an ethical dilemma is described and readers are invited to respond. I like to think about what I would do in the circumstances described. A few months ago, I decided to write in and my submission has been published! It was fun seeing my name in print.
One of the reasons I was keen to respond was because the concern was about having a boundary and the author feeling like they should not enforce one. This is something I see in my personal life and in work. Someone else might not like your boundary, but that does not mean it is invalid! We are allowed to say no. Boundaries are limits you establish for yourself in order to look after yourself, to know where you begin and end. Like real boundary markers, these can take different shapes (from walls with guard towers and barbed wire to a chalk line, easily crossed) and can move or flex. We all have boundaries; every person we come across does not have equal access to our time, our bodies or our emotions. To use the therapy session as an example, I have boundaries on the length, the cost, the location. How could I run a functional business if each day clients chose to meet for one hour or four, to pay me nothing or not on time, to meet in any venue they chose? We do have to communicate our boundaries – others cannot read our mind. This is why I have a counselling agreement that is discussed and signed before we start. My clients know my boundaries so it is not confusing if I hold a boundary.
I have happily agreed to do an introductory call on Zoom rather than by phone at a client’s request. These initial chats taking place on the phone are a boundary I am happy to relax. Yet I have also lost a potential client by refusing to cross my boundaries and do what they wanted (which I felt would have been unethical related to dual relationships). I do not regret this loss; I won’t change how I run my business in such a significant way just because an outside party wants me to. I needed to be certain, in order to hold that boundary. Sometimes it is not so clear how to proceed.
The aspects I considered for my response to the Therapy Today Dilemma were what is best for everyone involved. How did relaxing the boundary in question affect the counsellor themselves, their relationship with the client involved, and their general capacity for supporting all their other clients? Recently I found myself being quite vocal about taking time off while talking to a friend going through a hard time. Some of us find it very difficult to put ourselves on the same level as others, always putting others first. Of course this is admirable, and I’m not advocating for selfishness, but how can a counsellor serve her clients, a friend be a good friend, or a human being show up for those around them if they are exhausted or burnt out?
The main thing to remember about boundaries is that they cannot be imposed on others. I can’t put a wall around the fox that visits my garden and digs up the plants. It is free to act as it wishes. I can only fill in the gaps in the garden fence. We cannot say, “My boundary with you is that you must never make a horrible remark about my partner.” We cannot control other people. We can say, “I have explained why I find that remark hurtful. If you choose to carry on speaking about my partner like this, I will end our conversation and will not talk about my partner with you again.” The boundary isn’t on what another person says but on what we choose to do.
Next steps
– I would highly recommend Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend (Zondervan, 1992) if you would like to read further. This is a book from a Christian perspective and reflects on God’s boundaries, but there is so much excellent content, it is worth a read regardless of your faith perspective.
– It can be hard to identify and set up boundaries. It may be helpful to speak with a counsellor in order to consider what obstacles are preventing you from setting a boundary or to practice articulating it.
